Fake Governor Sarah Palin Quotes

Gov. Palin and her Eskimo husband enjoying some lean and healthy moose bacon.

How in the hell did Sarah Palin ever pass the vetting by McCain's people? This is unreal. Below are some fake quotes of Governor Palin I made up just for fun:

On Creationism:

The simple yet elegantly awkward moose proves God's creation and not evolution is the source of all life. How could something as oddly shaped and silly looking as a moose evolve through so-called "natural selection?" Is evolution a committee? There is nothing natural about a dorky moose! Only God could have made a moose and given it huge antlers to fight off his predatory enemies. God has a well known sense of humor, I mean He made the platypus too.

On oil exploration and drilling in the ANWR:

God made dinosaurs 4,000 years ago as ultimately flawed creatures, lizards of Satan really, so when they died and became petroleum products we, made in his perfect image, could use them in our pickup trucks, snow machines and fishing boats. Now, as to the ANWR, Todd and I often enjoying caribou hunting and one year we shot up a herd big time, I mean I personally slaughtered around 40 of them with my new, at the time, custom Austrian hunting rifle. And guess what? That caribou herd is still around and even bigger than ever. Caribou herds actually need culling, be it by rifles or wolves, or Exxon-Mobil oil rigs, they do just great!

On Alaskans serving overseas in Iraq:

Well, God bless them, and I mean God and Jesus because without Jesus we'd be Muslims too or Jewish, which would be a little better because of the superior Israeli Air Force. 

Disclaimer: She didn't actually say these things - I made them up. But thanks for all the visits.

Comments

[BarackStar]

How about a direct link to the Daily News story with the quotes instead of a like to their current home page?

[BarackStar]

Make that "a link", not like.

[Bob]

Because they aren't actual quotes but satirical ones I made up :)

[Andrew Billups]

What a breath of fresh air this fine woman is. The other VP prospects seemed like more of the same. I am enchanted.

[Frum Helen Back]

Oh Bob, you must have given your parents a delightful run for their money. Thanks for being you.

[Hank]

Here's a couple of real quotes from Sarah Palin with a link to her saying them:

"I can do my job... [as governor]... but really all of that stuff doesn't do any good if the people of Alaska's heart isn't right with god... ...We can work together to make sure god's will be done here."

and...

"Pray... that our leaders are sending [our soldiers] out on a task that is from god. We have to make sure there is a plan
and the plan is god's plan."

~Sarah Palin
about three months ago
addressing the Assembly of God church
in Wasilla, Alaska

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0UQbA0ZmmM

This is one crazy right-wing extremist, bible-thumpin' beauty queen.

[ybonesy]

Ha! Love the lizards of Satan.

[Taconicus]

An email rapidly spreading throughout the country, being delivered to tens of millions of Democrat distribution-list recipients, claims your Palin "quotes" above as fact, and instead of citing your website the email claims they were broadcast by MSNBC as background information about Sarah Palin. Of course, there's no disclaimer (did you just add that recently?)

The email is entitled "Palin Quotes from MSNBC"

[Murdock]

Wow. Bob, you've created a monster.

Check this out: http://www.lizardsofsatan.com

[Mark Rodimer]

I can't believe that these quotes are fake . . . I was so impressed with Sarah's Godly attitude toward ANWR!

You can read more about the Christian feelings toward Sarah Plain at http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=14679

[Larry Craig(R-not bi)]

Moose are a hazard. So is wildlife. Eat them all I say. Speaking of eating where is the nearest airport??

[OMG that is good]

Dude, how you are not booked as a writer on Letterman, TDS, or TCR is unfathomable. This is some hilarious shit.

[Dan WIllemin]

I just got this from a friend without your disclaimers. Funny stuff!!! Had to set him strait though the scary thing is I could just here her saying those quotes clear as day, yessire,
you pegged her pretty darn good ehuh huh huh...

[Ken]

This sucks. Already we don't like this woman, she's really a looney, but to make up these quotes is stupid and low and takes our focus off this surreal creature out of the Alaskan wilds.
If she and McPain get in then we, as a country, are surely doomed.

[Bob]

No, making up the quotes was just a fun little writing exercise by a small time blogger, the stupid part was whoever pasted them lock, stock and barrel into an MSNBC political forum and the other stupid thing was whoever then pasted it into an email and shot it all over the place.

Don't shoot me, shoot the messenger.

[HelenWheels]

Hey Bob I just heard a caller on NPR claim she said that 4000 year old dinosaur thing! You have indeed created a monster. Whoa!

I sort of wanted it to be true. However, since she is a creationist, your quote is probably exactly what she thinks, give or take a couple thousand years (in all fairness, I believe they think the world was created 6K years ago, not 4K).

LOL!!

[Dwight]

Yeah. Don't shoot the hatemonger. Shoot the misguided people who picked it up and spread the hate around.

It wasn't Goebbles fault, it was those damn nazis taking him seriously!

Sorry people misunderstood your intent, Bob.

[V]

Brillant. Anyone who csan bullshit the world well enough that their comments end up having to be verified by Snopes is pure genius. You bring joy to my heart of hearts...now excuse me while I go e-mail this to all my overly Republican relatives...

[Bootstrap's Bootstraps]

I got forwarded this and sooo wanted to believe it. Had a great laugh at work. The actuality is not nearly as funny. Check it out-

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bruce-wilson/sarah-palins-churches-and_b_124611.html

[Bcukwheat]

Eat your bleeding little hearts out. Meet Dick Chaney replacement.

[Ray Dios Haque]

The scary thing here, is that journalists are looking to Blogs as a source of news. Take a look at all the celebrity death retractions there have been lately. Journalism is about corporate money now, not actually reporting what's really happening. Networks are owned by advertisers who decide what news is appropriate for you. Dan Rather is rolling in his ... bed!

[A. Trendl]

John Edwards famously did not say, "If I didn't alrady have a mistress, I would be chasing Sarah Palin. Hey, Bill, what do you think?"

http://anthonytrendl.blogspot.com

[Hockey Baby-Mama]

Oh Bob, you are a hoot! Gotta love any time the media are snagged spreading pure hokum. Can I bear you a child, too?

[SlowDown]

Bob, do me a favor and call Matt Damon (of the Bourne series), and tell him the truth. Even HE is totally convinced that she said "God made dinosaurs 4000 years ago". I need him to apologize for his stupidity...because if he does another Bourne movie, I won't go see it until he does apologize. Absolutely the truth, I swear! Watch his video: http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=171553

[aebrain]

Who got to you? Was it Karl Rove? Who forced you to retract and say you "made up" these obviously true quotes?

It's not the crime, it's the cover up.
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Oops, forgot the "satire" tags. Had you going there for a bit though, didn't I?